Too Many Tricks

I wandered into the room hoping for some kind of answer to the one question burning in my mind: why is this life for me? What did I do to deserve this? Is this some kind of cosmic joke? What is the purpose of my existence? I had so many questions for the doctor and I was starting to doubt if he could even help me.

I stumbled into the room and flopped onto the couch. The doctor didn’t pay much attention to me as he grabbed a small notebook and a pencil. He scribbled what could only be gibberish because I hadn’t even said anything yet. Oh well I thought to myself. The Professor is paying for this session anyway, so I guess it doesn’t matter. But it’d be nice if he at least acknowledged me.

“Alright. How are you doing today?” the doctor asked me, as if he had seen someone like me before.

“As good as I can be I guess,” I said as I observed his quiet demeanour.

“Okay. Let’s get right down to it. I was told you were having some issues with how you are adjusting. Care to tell me what’s going on?”

“Issues? I feel like I’m one whose always picked. Like I got all kinds of cuts and contusions from people grabbing me and flipping me around. They push me into these dark places and I hate it. I hate my life.”

“Hate’s a muscular word wouldn’t you say?”

“Muscular? You don’t get it. You get to relax in your air conditioned office. I live with fifty other idiots that don’t give a crap about me. What’s even the point of it all?”

“You bring joy to many people around the world. Every night when they finally get to see you they cheer and laugh. Isn’t a small amount of sacrifice worth it?”

“What do you know about sacrifice?” I screamed. “There is nothing but suffering. I’m just going to end it all.”

“Please don’t do that,” the doctor said, showing me for the first time that he seemed to care about my well being. “Sacrifice is a necessity. Everyone must sacrifice something at some time in their life to get what they want. Now. In your case. It’s a little different. But wouldn’t you say that others make sacrifices for you?”

“I don’t think so. I mean sure sometimes it’s not me who gets picked. And I get the night off. If that’s what you mean.”

“Exactly. Gratitude goes a long way.”

“But why would this be my life? Constantly shuffled and picked. One time I was thrown into a glass wall. You ever had someone take a black sharpie and write all over you. No I don’t think you get it. This isn’t how life is supposed to be. I don’t accept it.”

“Than what are you going to do about it?”

“I’m going to set myself on fire and end my misery.”

“Isn’t that the easy way out?” the doctor said.

I noticed he was writing fervently and kept looking over at the door. Obviously he’s taken my threat seriously, but I don’t know that I’d have the guts to do it anyway.

“No. The easy way out would be to continue to be miserable. To live in darkness and sadness. Accept it as the way it is and continue to cry myself to sleep every night, hoping for a chance, but not doing anything about it.”

The doctor looked up at me and handed me a tissue. “It’s going to be okay. We can get through this. I know this isn’t the best solution, but I want to prescribe you some medication.”

“Meds? Come on. I don’t need medication!” I screamed even louder than I had previously.

“Then what is it that you want?” the doctor repeated, matching my volume.

“Happiness!” I howled.

The doctor got up out of his chair and consoled me. His hands were quite soft and caring. It made me feel like he cared, even if he didn’t. I bawled. The tears poured down my fragile body. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The doctor returned to his chair and adjusted his glasses.

“Alright. Now we’re getting somewhere. So what makes you happy?”

I sat there thinking, but couldn’t come up with anything. I had spend so much time stuck in my hole of sadness that I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t know what made me happy. Or at least, I doubted it. I didn’t know what to believe anymore. Thoughts would come and go, but I don’t know if any of them were real. I didn’t know if I was lying to myself, so how I could I know if I was being truthful?

“I love sleeping. The quietness of nighttime.”

“I thought you didn’t like the crammed and dark places?”

“I guess I’ve gotten used to it. If I could change that I would though. I’d love to sleep in my own space by myself for a change.”

“What if I told you I can arrange that for you?”

I sat up in my chair with a small burst of energy I didn’t think I had. “That would be amazing! Could you really?”

“Of course I can. I’d be happy to arrange it for you. Sleeping can’t be the only thing that makes you happy though?”

“I want to travel. I’m tired of the same crowds over and over again.”

“That’s interesting,” the doctor quipped, acting surprised at my answer for some reason.

“Why would you say that?”

“I thought you hated your job?”

Admittedly, he caught me off guard. “Well I don’t hate everything about it I guess. I do enjoy seeing the faces of the kids. They seem so full of joy and appreciation for what they just witnessed. And it does make me feel good to be apart of that.”

“Gratitude is a powerful thing isn’t it?”

“Yes I suppose it is,” I shook my head trying to make sense of the conversation. Did I really enjoy what I was doing? Does the smiles on these kids faces really make it all worth it?

“What are you thinking about?” the doctor asked, snapping me out of my own mind.

“Trying to figure out if those smiles make it all worth it.”

“And?”

“Maybe.”

“So where’s the emptiness and sadness coming from?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t listening to my heart. Perhaps I was ignoring all the times I felt good, so that I could feel sad.”

“And why do you think you would do that?”

“My depression feeds off of me actually being depressed. So I guess that part of me drags me into that hole because that’s what it wants to do: it wants me to be sad. And then once I’m in that state of mind, I only see what it wants me to see.”

More tears rolled down my slender body. I tried to stop them with the tissue, but it didn’t seem to be working.

“Depression can distort things for you. The troubling part is that it will always be a part of you. The trick is to recognize it when it happens. You can manage it and you can certainly find a way to overcome it. Yeah. It takes a lot of work. More work than those people that don’t have it, but, well that was the card you were dealt. And maybe that’s unfair. But look at how much joy you’ve brought to people.”

The doctor showed me a picture. It was a picture of him and his kid. I don’t know why I didn’t see it when I came in.

“Incredible. I had completely forgot about that show.” The tears continued falling. “Thank you doctor,” I said. “I appreciate our time together. I really really do.”

“Of course. That’s what I’m hear for. Well I think our time is up for today. Please take care of yourself Three-of-Spades.”

“I will. Thank you.”